Why I hate the Minnesota Golden Gophers

More terrifying than their team

Okay okay, enough with the hate mail. I’m back and posting another entry. I dropped 200 dollars on art supplies today so I’m in a bad mood. I don’t think there’s anything better to cure a bad mood than a little bit of good old fashioned lashing out.

Screw the Minnesota Golden Gophers.

Seriously, is there any more irrelevant team in all of college football? (Well besides Towson.)

They haven’t won a Big Ten title since 1967 (and they shared that with two other teams.) So they’re pretty much a waste of space.

1967 was the same year the term “black hole” was coined, which explains a lot. The Gophers’ program is basically a black hole, talent goes in, nothing comes out.

For years they played in one of the worst sports complexes ever known to man…the Metrodome.

Not to be confused with a marshmello

The Metrodome wasn’t a baseball or a football stadium, it was just hell on earth. I think that’s where the terrorist suspects should be sent, make them sit inside that dump all day while the Twins or the Vikings or the Gophers or some random high school team plays in front of 3000 fans. (Damn right a NU fan just made fun of the lack of attendance somewhere else, what are you going to do about it?)

The Metrodome is also where NU baseball player Jake Goebbert lacerated his kidney chasing a fly ball.

Now they think they’re “all that” with their swanky new stadium named after a bank.

Well I hate banks! They rip off college students by charging ridiculous overdraft fees. This is the worst idea since opening weekend of college football season was sponsored by this movie.

Their current coach is delusional and their previous coach’s face was never seen.

But as my friend Otto points out, we can’t really hate the Gophers I mean…really…let’s be honest…

We own their asses.