Why I hate the Nebraska Cornhuskers

Remember the Alamo!

“You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”– Northwestern alum. Charlton Heston

No, this isn’t Planet of the Apes, but it has turned into “Children of the Corn IV: This time it’s personal again.”

We learned one thing this week…Nebraska really hates Texas.  I mean, everyone hates Texas, but Nebraska hates Texas on an epic scale that might surpass any hatred we’ve seen in college sports.

Let’s be real…Nebraska hated Texas so much for even considering leaving the Big XII, the Cornhuskers went ahead and actually left!

This is all very weird because the primary reason I hate Nebraska centers around Texas.

“You will remember this battle! Each minute! Each second! Until the day that you die! But that is for tomorrow, gentlemen. For today, Remember The Alamo!”–Pat Fitzgerald, aka Sam Houston

Fitz needs to show his troops the game tape of the 2000 Alamo Bowl before they play Nebraska for the first time. Never has there been a more embarrassing slaughter in bowl game history. Final score: 66-17, with the Children of the Corn coming out on top.

Mind you, this was the most exciting NU team in program history. They beat Michigan 54-51 in the greatest college football game ever played (Yeah, I said it. Challenge me, I dare you), and they also knocked off Minnesota on a Hail-Mary pass that year as well. Did I mention that 2000 was the last time Northwestern won a Big “Ten” title? To have the season end on such a sour note is something every NU fan tries to forget.

Of course you can’t hate a team for kicking your ass. But you can hate them for the way they did it. Already up 52-17, they had the kernels to bust out a WIDE RECEIVER pass for a touchdown. I’m sorry, you do not run trick plays up by 35 points. A 35-point lead is insurmountable unless you’re Michigan State in 2006, but I digress.

Obviously, the 2000 Alamo Bowl has absolutely nothing to do with the people involved with the programs right now. But it’s not about hating the people, that’s just mean. College sports is about school pride and hating the opposing institution, especially if it’s Iowa. (Well, college sports is mainly about money, but that’s self-evident, not fun, and quite frankly depressing.)

And one very good reason to hate the institution of Nebraska is that their abbreviation for their teams is…NU.

I’m sorry, but that’s BS.

They are the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. They should be UNL. But nooooo, they not only call themselves NU, but ESPN does as well! Meanwhile, we’re relegated to NWU or NW. Neither of those make sense because “Northwestern” is all one word. You fucking Syracuse alums at ESPN can’t do anything right except run your mouths! Figure it out.

I swear to Allah if the Big Ten Network calls Nebraska NU and Northwestern something else…

I really can’t do anything about it, but umm, I’ll be pissed!

Another reason to hate Nebraska is that they are in the middle of nowhere.  (Note, this is also a valid reason to hate Penn State.) A road trip to Nebraska from Evanston takes eight hours and 40 minutes according to Mapquest, and that’s without taking the necessary detour around Iowa to avoid being overcome by the smell of pig farms.

Furthermore, when they come to our place, unless Jim Phillips pulls a Houdini to make more NU fans magically appear out of the hat known as the Wrigley Field game, Ryan Field will be a sea of red. We already have to deal with Wisconsin and those damn dirty apes from Ohio State…now Nebraska?

Nebraska, this just got real. Welcome to the Big “Ten.” But let me be very clear.

We’ll give you our abbreviation when you take it from our cold, dead hands.